As more families support aging parents, two questions often arise: What should we put in place? and How do we talk about it as a family?
In this Q&A, Malcolm Butler focuses on the planning and structural decisions that can help protect both generations, while Bess Butler Brunson shares guidance on starting thoughtful conversations and navigating family dynamics along the way.
Malcolm: In my view, it’s better to start earlier than most families think. A good rule of thumb is to begin the conversation when you notice a meaningful change—such as a new diagnosis, a move, a spouse’s passing, or early questions about managing finances and bills. Those are natural transition points where planning can add a lot of value. Starting before a crisis gives everyone more options and allows you to approach decisions thoughtfully rather than reactively.
Bess: I encourage families to start the conversation while parents still feel comfortable and in control. You don’t have to begin with “What happens if something goes wrong?” Instead, you can ask, “What does good support look like to you as you age?” Framing it around care, dignity, and their preferences helps the discussion feel respectful rather than intrusive. Over time, you can revisit the topic in small, manageable conversations instead of one high-stakes meeting.
Malcolm: At a minimum, we like to see an up-to-date will, a durable financial power of attorney, and healthcare documents such as an advance directive and healthcare power of attorney. It’s also important to confirm HIPAA releases so the right people can access medical information when needed. From there, we review how accounts are titled and how beneficiaries are designated, because those details often drive how assets actually move in practice. Working with an estate planning attorney and your advisor together can help ensure everything is coordinated.
Bess: When I talk with families about these documents, I emphasize that they are tools to protect everyone, not to take control away from parents. Having the right powers of attorney in place means your family isn’t scrambling if a health event or cognitive change occurs. I often suggest language like, “We want to make things easier for you and each other, not harder, if something unexpected happens.” That framing can lower the temperature and help parents feel that the goal is support and clarity.
Malcolm: If there are early signs of memory issues or difficulty managing day-to-day finances, it’s time to add safeguards. That might include naming a trusted contact at the custodian level, shifting to more automated bill pay, and giving a family member view-only access to accounts before granting full transaction authority. In some situations, creating smaller “everyday” accounts for spending, with larger balances managed more conservatively elsewhere, can reduce risk. The goal is to maintain as much independence as possible while limiting opportunities for mistakes or exploitation.
Bess: These conversations can be very sensitive. I encourage adult children to focus on specific observations—“I’ve noticed a few bills stacking up”—rather than labels like “memory loss.” Inviting the parent’s healthcare provider into the discussion, with their consent, can also help, because it shifts the focus to overall wellbeing. Most importantly, try to keep the tone collaborative: “How can we put a few things in place so you feel supported and we’re not worried about something slipping through the cracks?”
Malcolm: We often start by building a simple, one- or two-page summary of the household finances—accounts, income sources, recurring expenses, insurance policies, and key professional contacts. That document becomes a roadmap for both parents and adult children. Once the basics are organized, we can look at cash flow: what’s coming in, what’s going out, and what might need to change as care needs evolve. Having that structure in place makes subsequent decisions—about care, housing, or gifting—more grounded and less emotional.
Bess: From a relational standpoint, that “financial map” can also be a communication tool. Sharing a concise version with siblings or other key family members helps align expectations and reduce misunderstandings. I often suggest assigning clear roles—who’s tracking bills, who’s speaking with the advisor, who’s coordinating medical appointments—so that support is shared and no one feels alone in the process. The goal is to create a sense of teamwork around your parents, not tension.
Malcolm: Care can range from occasional in-home help to full-time assisted living or memory care, and the costs vary widely by geography and level of support. We typically start by estimating what different care scenarios might look like and then mapping those costs against income streams, portfolio withdrawals, and any long-term care benefits or veterans’ benefits that may apply. It’s also important to remember “hidden” expenses—transportation, home modifications, caregiver respite, and taxes—when evaluating what is sustainable. Building these scenarios into a formal financial plan helps you see the trade-offs clearly before commitments are made.
Bess: On the personal side, families often underestimate how hard it can be for parents to accept outside help in the home or a move to a new community. I encourage families to talk about how support might evolve over time—perhaps starting with a few hours of in-home assistance before moving to more comprehensive care. Setting expectations with siblings and extended family is equally important, so everyone understands the plan and how decisions will be made as needs change.
Malcolm: Trusts can be effective when there is a meaningful asset base, complex family dynamics, or a desire to manage assets over time rather than distribute them all at once. In those cases, a revocable trust can help streamline administration and reduce the risk of disputes, particularly when combined with thoughtful trustee selection. Account titling and beneficiary designations are just as critical; they determine how assets move at incapacity or death and whether they align with the broader estate plan. Reviewing these elements regularly with your advisor and estate attorney can prevent unintended outcomes.
Bess: When we talk about trusts and titling with families, I try to connect the technical details back to what they care about most—maintaining harmony, honoring intentions, and supporting future generations. Small changes, like updating a beneficiary designation or adding transfer-on-death instructions in the right places, can have a big impact on how smoothly things go for children and grandchildren. It is important to help parents understand that document alignment can reduce stress on their loved ones.
Malcolm: When those professionals are all in the same conversation, the plan tends to be more cohesive and resilient. Your advisor can bring the full financial picture, the CPA can weigh in on tax implications, and the attorney ensures that documents reflect your intentions and comply with current law. We often recommend periodic “team meetings” where everyone reviews the plan, discusses upcoming decisions, and confirms that strategies are aligned with family goals. This coordination can be particularly valuable when aging parents are shifting from independence to shared decision-making.
Bess: For parents, walking into a room with multiple professionals can feel intimidating. I often encourage families to set expectations ahead of time—what will be discussed, who will speak to which topics, and what decisions (if any) are needed. Grounding the meeting in their goals—“We’re here to make sure your wishes are carried out and your plan is coordinated”—can help parents feel supported rather than overwhelmed. Afterwards, a simple summary for the family can reinforce next steps and keep everyone on the same page.
Malcolm: Any time funds are moving between generations, it’s important to consider income and transfer taxes. In some situations, it may be more efficient for parents to use their own assets for care, drawing from taxable accounts before retirement accounts, or vice versa, depending on the specifics. If adult children are providing financial support, structuring that assistance in a way that aligns with current gift-tax rules and potential deductions can make a difference, especially when medical expenses are involved. Coordinating closely with your CPA can help ensure you’re not unintentionally creating tax friction for either generation.
Bess: When we talk about helping parents financially, I also encourage families to consider how generosity fits into their broader values. Some parents feel strongly about continuing charitable giving or helping grandchildren, even as care costs rise. Open conversations about priorities—“If resources are limited, what matters most to you?”—can guide decisions around gifts and withdrawals. The goal is to balance impact today with long-term security, for both parents and adult children.
Malcolm: Real estate often carries both financial and emotional weight. We typically review whether the home is still appropriate from a cash-flow, maintenance, and safety standpoint, and we look at the implications of keeping, selling, or renting it. In some cases, selling the home can free up capital to fund care; in others, retaining it for a period of time makes sense. Documenting any agreements among siblings—such as buyouts, shared ownership, or future sale expectations—can help prevent disagreement later.
Bess: For many parents, the home represents memory and identity, not just four walls. I encourage families to approach “house conversations” with sensitivity and plenty of time—this is rarely a decision to rush. It can help to explore different scenarios—staying with modifications, downsizing nearby, or moving closer to family—and to talk about what would feel most supportive to them. Keeping the focus on safety, connection, and quality of life often leads to better outcomes than centering only on the numbers.
Malcolm: From a planning perspective, I like to see a regular cadence of check-ins—perhaps annually or semi-annually—where the family revisits the plan, reviews key documents, and updates contact information. These meetings don’t need to be formal; they simply ensure that everyone understands the current approach and any upcoming decisions. Having a short, written summary of what was discussed and who is responsible for what can reduce confusion later.
Bess: Healthy communication is less about a single “perfect” meeting and more about patterns over time. Setting some ground rules—listening without interrupting, assuming good intentions, and keeping parents’ preferences at the center—can make hard topics easier to tackle. I often suggest starting with common ground, such as a shared desire to keep parents safe and financially secure. When disagreements arise, bringing in a neutral professional, like an advisor or counselor, can help keep the conversation constructive.
Malcolm: Missed bill payments, unexplained withdrawals, sudden changes in investment behavior, or new individuals inserting themselves into financial decisions are all warning signs. If you see these, it may be time to tighten controls—such as adjusting account access, adding alerts, or involving a professional trustee or outside advisor. In some cases, contacting the financial institution or engaging legal counsel quickly can prevent further harm. Acting early is often the best way to protect a parent’s financial security.
Bess: When something feels off, families often hesitate because they don’t want to upset their parents or accuse them of making mistakes. I encourage loved ones to lead with concern rather than accusation—“We’re worried because we’ve noticed a few unusual things and want to make sure you’re okay.” If emotions run high, bringing in a neutral third party, like an advisor or elder law attorney, can create some space and help everyone focus on the shared goal of protection.
Malcolm: Over the first 30 days, I’d focus on three things: organization, documentation, and coordination. Collect key documents and account statements; confirm powers of attorney, healthcare directives, and beneficiary designations; and schedule a meeting with your advisor to review the overall picture. From there, we can outline a care-funding plan, identify any gaps, and prioritize next steps. Even modest progress on these items can significantly reduce stress for everyone involved.
Bess: On the relationship side, the first step is often simply asking parents for a conversation and sharing why it matters to you. You might say, “We want to make sure we understand your wishes and can support you well if something changes.” After that initial discussion, follow up with smaller check-ins—perhaps to review a summary of accounts or talk through one decision at a time. The aim isn’t to solve everything in a month, but to establish a pattern of open, respectful dialogue that can continue as life unfolds.
Supporting aging parents is rarely straightforward—financially or emotionally—but it doesn’t have to come at the expense of your own long-term goals. With a clear plan, the right documents in place, and ongoing family conversations, you can help parents receive the care they need while staying grounded in the values that matter most to your family.
If you’re navigating these questions—or expect to in the coming years—The Fiduciary Group can help you coordinate both the numbers and the conversations. Our team works alongside clients and their other professional advisors to build thoughtful, multi-generational plans that support aging parents, protect your own financial future, and position the next generation for long-term success.
If you would like to learn more about our approach, please reach out to us at any time.